I haven't posted for awhile. I been working hard on improve my writing skills.

I have written a paragraph with the intention to get myself
started writing in order to improve my writing and verbal skills.
How can I furhter improve this paragraph? How could I have written this paragraph?

I feel frustrated that I can’t find that type of employment that I would feel comfortably and confidently doing in my current physical state, fat. I am overweight. I weigh 245 pounds, twenty-five pounds more than what I should be weighing. The jobs online I have found that interesting demand excellent professional dress code standards, or at least somewhat professional. For the moment I am overweight, I don’t want a job that entails me to wear dress shirt and a tie. I wouldn’t feel comfortable wearing a dress shirt and a tie at the workplace with my fat love handles hanging around from my midsection. I wouldn’t be able to do my job well much less get through a shift feeling uncomfortable experiencing the awkwardness of not being able to move my head sideways because of a stiff collar with a tight, annoying tie that would only aggravate my frustration and cause me to sweat; and desperation of being overweight and not being able to move comfortably and confidently will make me feel disappointed at my unsuccessful efforts of trying to loose weight. Commitment to exercising rigorous from now on is the only solution to my problem.

Last Edited on 26-Aug-2008 7:11 PM

I feel frustrated that I can’t find that type of employment which I would feel comfortable and confident doing in my current physical state, fat. I am overweight. I weigh 245 pounds, twenty-five pounds more than what I should weigh. Of the jobs that I have found online, those I have found veryinteresting demand excellent professional dress code standards, or at least somewhat professional. For the moment I am overweight; I don’t want a job that entails me to wear dress shirt and a tie. I wouldn’t feel comfortable wearing a dress shirt and a tie in the workplace with my fat love handles hanging around from my midsection. I wouldn’t be able to do my job well, much less get through a shift feeling uncomfortable experiencing the awkwardness of not being able to move my head sideways because of a stiff collar with a tight, annoying tie that would only aggravate my frustration and cause me to sweat; and the desperation of being overweight and not being able to move comfortably and confidently will make me feel disappointed at my unsuccessful efforts of trying to lose weight. Commitment to exercising rigorously from now on is the only solution to my problem.

I feel frustrated that I can’t find a type of employment that I would feel comfortable and confident doing in my current physical state, fat. I am overweight. I weigh 245 pounds, twenty-five pounds more than what I should weigh. Any interesting jobs that I have found online have at least a somewhat professional dress code. Since I am overweight, I don’t want a job that requires me to wear a dress shirt and a tie. I wouldn’t feel comfortable dressed this way, with my fat love handles hanging around [omit "from"] my midsection. I wouldn’t be able to do my job well, much less get through a shift. I would feel uncomfortable and awkward, unable to move my head sideways. The stiff collar and tight tie would increase my frustration and cause me to sweat. These conditions would not only affect my work and confidence but would also make me feel disappointed with my unsuccessful efforts at trying to lose weight. Commitment to exercising rigorously from now on is the only solution to my problem.

I felt that it was necessary not only to correct the phrasing and punctuation but also to eliminate repetition and compress the wording.
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Rich Turner (The Curmudgeon Himself)

Last Edited on 27-Aug-2008 12:46 PM

What do you think of the sentence "I wouldn’t be able to do my job well, much less get through a shift"? Now that I take a second look at it, I think it should be the other way around (I wouldn't be able to get through a shift, much less do my job well). He's saying "I would be so uncomfortable that I couldn't even bear it long enough to finish a shift [getting through a shift is the easy part], much less do a good job [this is the hard part].

Do you agree? Or am I overthinking this?

Last Edited on 30-Aug-2008 6:06 AM