Here are some messages that I'm thinking of sending out in 2008, in my ongoing campaign to become Emperor of the World and to rid it of vermin.

♦ To the FBI

Dear Guardians of All That Is Sacred and Right:

Thank you for the repeated notices that you put on DVDs to remind us that copying the contents of the disc is illegal.  Having seen these reminders thousands of times, I get the message.  I am trembling in my boots at the thought that, if I violate this law, I shall be visited by gun-toting agents – perhaps even a SWAT team – and hauled off to Guantanamo, where I shall languish for years without legal representation.

However, since I now have the message memorized, I'm wondering if you couldn't start rigging the DVDs so that I can skip it and get on with watching the movie.

By the way, since many of the people who are illegally copying DVDs can't read English, shouldn't you put that warning in Chinese as well?

♦ To Product Packagers

Dear Makers of Non-Biodegradable, Consumer-Unfriendly Packaging:

I realize that you are under pressure to prevent shoplifting and to create packages that stand out because they consume huge amounts of shelf space.  However, I wonder if you can't come up with something that we can open just a tad more easily.  Or perhaps you could tape a little hacksaw to the outside of the package.  Or maybe you could add some liver flavoring to the hard plastic so that my dog can chew it open.  Think of the promotional opportunities:  "Free chew toy!"

♦ To Hewlett-Packard, Ink Cartridge Department

Dear Makers of Overpriced Printer Ink:

It's wonderful that you are concerned enough about the environment to enclose with each cartridge an envelope to mail back the used cartridge for recycling.  That practice also must save you a bundle by limiting the number of cartridges you need to make.  Doesn't it?

However, I have some bad news for you.  With the prices you charge for a little plastic container of ink, we aren't about to do you any favors.  Besides, the local office supply store gives us three bucks back for every empty cartridge we bring in.  You probably pay them for the empties, so why should we donate them to you for nothing?  We don't buy your cartridges because we're stupid; we buy them because you scare the hell out of us by warning us to "use only genuine HP cartridges."  We know that inkjet printers usually self-destruct in two or three years, and we don't want to hasten the process.

By the way, since you're so concerned about the environment, why do you put multipack ink cartridges in non-biodegradable plastic packages?

♦ To Verizon Customer Service

Dear Unreachable (Nonexistent?) People:

If my call is important to you, why do you have a machine answering the phone?  It's a stupid machine, anyway.  It doesn't know how to find anything in its menu.  I think it's just randomly naming buttons for me to push because I never get where I want to go.  It thinks it's a human being – or it believes that I'm too dumb to know that it's just pretending to be a human being.  When it keeps asking questions, I say, "I want to speak to a human."  Then it says, "I don't understand you" and repeats the same question.  Your machine needs psychotherapy because it's obviously obsessive-compulsive.  Or perhaps it needs a hearing aid.

Anyway, when I do get a human after navigating through about 25 menu choices, all I get is someone who reads from a script – usually the same stuff that I read on your website.  If the stuff on your website answered my question, would I be calling you?  If the script doesn't cover my question, the human (I think it's a human because it has a name) puts me on hold while it "checks with a supervisor."  I usually wind up talking to the machine again.  Who is in charge of this charade – the Wizard of Oz?

♦  To a Store Manager

Dear Mr./Ms. Big Shot:

I demand to be placed on your store's payroll for at least the minimum wage.  Every time I shop in your establishment, I am expected to work as a checkout clerk.  In case you haven't noticed, I am a customer.  You work for me, and I pay you.  That's the way it works.  When I have to use a self-checkout, you are turning this idea on its head.

Now, I know you claim that I am paid indirectly because I get lower prices and the convenience of getting out of the store more quickly.  To put it bluntly, both claims are poppycock and balderdash.  You just want to hire fewer checkout clerks and pocket what you save by maintaining an understaffed store.  When you die and go to heaven (the latter possibility is, however, doubtful), I hope St. Peter is so busy that you have to stand in the self–check-in line for eternity.

♦ To a Store Manager (Wal-Mart)

Dear Mr./Ms. Mart:

I appreciate your low prices, even though some of the stuff you carry is junk that costs too much at any price.  However, it would be nice to know what the price really is before I get to the checkout counter.  The price on the shelf rarely matches the item displayed; therefore, I am stuck with guessing or with going up and down the aisles trying to match the UPC code on the item to a price label.

One reason people shop at Wal-Mart is that we're comparison shoppers.  Therefore, when we buy cheap stuff at Wal-Mart, we need to be sure that it does indeed cost less than the better merchandise at classier stores.

I suppose you understand that items on the shelves must, by law, match the price labels and must display a unit cost.  Obviously, you don't pay much attention to this.  You're probably the type of person who copies DVDs despite the FBI warning.  Don't be surprised if someday a SWAT team comes into your store and hauls you off to Guantanamo.