Some Answering Machine Messages
(from Ad Chat, which, in turn, got them from the Water Cooler Genie newsletter)
> Hi, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
> Hi, this is John. If you're the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
> A is for academics, B is for beer. One of these reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
> Hello, you are talking to an answering machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and do not need to have their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number, and they will get back to you.
> Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
> Hi. I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it. Wait for the beep.
> This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-receiving device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
> I'm sorry, the fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
> Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right – real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you.
> Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
> If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home, and it's safe to leave a message.
> Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
> Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
> You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing you willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone, you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.