Below are some messages that I wrote but, for various reasons, never sent.  I had fun writing them, though.

TO:  crudemailer@yugobig/com

I appreciate your concern, expressed in repeated e-mails, about the size of my penis.  However, your obsession with my private parts (which function quite satisfactorily, thank you) suggests that you have a problem with your own.  I think you should concentrate on your own inadequacies and desist from sending these messages to strangers.   I would also appreciate it if you would stop sending similar messages to my wife, daughter, and sister, for they assure me that they are not interested in any design modifications.

TO:  mammaryman@makembigger.com

I am curious to know why you are offering to enlarge my breasts.  I realize that they are small, but it was my understanding that this is usual in the male of the species.  Did I miss something in biology class, or did you?  Or is it that your mommy and daddy didn't tell you that "Richard" is a man's name?  By the way, do you happen to know someone who uses the handle of crudemailer?  I have a feeling that you know each other.

TO:  Martin at Free Vacations, Inc.

You may have wondered why I have not returned the recorded messages that you left on my answering machine regarding free vacations (with no obligation) at exotic places.  It's quite simple, really – I don't like you.  In fact, I am thinking of changing the message that says, "We cannot come to the phone right now because we are filtering out telemarketing calls" to "We cannot come to the phone right now because we are filtering out calls from that scumbag Martin at Free Vacations, Inc."  Seriously, Martin, if you want to make recordings, do something useful like making recordings for the blind instead of making recordings for the stupid and gullible.

TO:  "Jackie" at "Gutterguard"

I apologize for calling you a "twit" and other colorful names when you called the other evening.  You caught me at a bad time – the time of day when I relax, converse with my wife, and enjoy my supper.  I really should not have been so rude because you probably can't help it that you lack the skills and brains to get an honest job and may lack the looks to be a successful prostitute.  If you care to try again and will leave your home phone number, I will be happy to call you back when I am in a more appropriate mood.  This usually happens at about three in the morning.

TO:  Newsweek Magazine

I am sending you, under separate cover, 2,334 postage-paid business-reply postcards that I have saved from your magazine ever since I began subscribing to it about ten years ago.  You will notice that they all offer me the opportunity to subscribe to your magazine, which, if you had any sense, you could see that I already subscribe to.  Perhaps you can find a way to reprocess these postcards so that they can be used as toilet paper in the executive bathroom.

TO:  DVD Packagers

Can you explain something to me?  I understand that you don't want people walking out of stores with DVDs that they haven't paid for, but do you really need to put three of those damned "security device enclosed" sticky thingees and a plastic wrapper on every DVD?  Isn't that a bit much?  I usually have to open the package several days before I watch the movie because opening the DVD puts me in such a bad mood that I can't enjoy anything after that.  So try to use a little more restraint with the sticky thingees, will you?  One should be enough.

TO:  President George W. Bush

Mr. President, I know you have a lot on your mind these days, but the word is noo-clee-ar, not nook yooler.  What kind of message do you think you send when the leader of the free world can't pronounce his native language?

TO:  "The Smith's"

Folks, two or more of you are the Smiths.  When you add an apostrophe and s to your name (Smith) on your mailbox, you are indicating possession.  Whenever I drive by your house, I keep wondering, "the Smith's what?"  Even if you meant this to indicate that the mailbox belongs to the Smiths, you should write, "The Smiths' mailbox" (which is silly because anyone can see that it is a mailbox).  Must you display so blatantly that you are too illiterate to distinguish a plural from a possessive?

TO:  My State Legislature and Governor

What's with you guys?  I try to be a good citizen and care about politics, even though it is full of people like you.  But how can I care when New Jersey persists in the practice of holding its presidential primaries in June?  Good grief!  By then, the nominees are virtually picked.  Every other state in the union, including some rinky-dink states that barely amount to squat in the final face-off, has a better chance of influencing the nomination – except Montana.   New Jersey and Montana (which has more cattle than voters) are the last two states to have primaries.  I read that the governor has balked at changing the date because "change might confuse the voters."  Trust me, governor, we can handle it.  And if you made it early enough to mean something, maybe we would actually vote in the primary.  Perhaps that's it – you don't want to get us in the habit of voting.  Given your current ratings in the state's opinion polls, I can understand why.

TO:  Owner of This Obscene, Humongous Vehicle (License plate: MACHO 2)

I am leaving this note on the windshield of your . . . er . . . tank to inform you, bozo, that if you're going to drive something this obscenely huge, you need to have your vision checked.  It's bad enough that you can't get it between the lines here in the parking lot, but, if your eyesight is this bad, you could squash a sedan or two without knowing it.  I realize that such an incident might be of little concern to you because you probably have an ego to match the size of this vehicle.  But before you get too cocky, have you heard that studies show that the size of men's vehicles is inversely proportionate to the size of their . . .? Uh-oh . . . that may be you, the big guy headed across the parking lot.  Gotta run.

TO:  Couple in Diner Last Night

You don't know me, but I just wanted to inform you that I am circulating a petition to have you prevented from breeding anymore.  I sat in a booth behind the one you and your three phartlings occupied last night, and I have decided that you already have more children than you can handle.  Actually, it is inaccurate to say that you "occupied" the booth because your phartlings spent most of their time out of the booth or using it as a trampoline.  I know that I should be more tolerant because you are obviously physically handicapped, for you could not hear your children's screams, which were quite audible clear across the diner.  And perhaps I lack a sense of humor because I did not find it as humorous as you did when your little boy kept turning around and drooling down the back of our booth.  I hope that you do not frequent this diner often because, if you and your retarded offspring give a repeat performance, I shall be compelled to circulate another petition to prevent your children from breeding.