At the beginning of every year, self-appointed, professional prophets prognosticate about what they expect to happen.  Of course, nobody – not even Nostradamus – has successfully predicted the future with anything close to accuracy, but we enjoy trying.  I might as well join the crowd, though (in case readers miss the point) most – but not all – of my projections are tongue-in-cheek.

> On the political front, we will have midterm Congressional elections that will involve many politicians saying nasty things about each other.  The only constant in politics is that, when it seems impossible to get nastier, it continues to do so.  In most races, people will once more find themselves having to choose between the lesser of two evils.  Democrats may make some small gains but not significant ones because they will continue to waffle, without any convincing agenda.  Republicans should hold on, despite the people's disenchantment with the current regime and its cronies, because a large number of people always vote Republican because they . . . because they . . . well, because they are Republicans.  As usual, large numbers of people won't vote, and many who do so won't care all that much about the outcome because there's not much to care about in a contest between Tweedledum and Tweedledee.  Sometime in October, I shall rip my phone from the wall and smash it to little bits to put an end to the deluge of political calls soliciting my vote – calls that should be prohibited by the "Don't Call" legislation but are not, for obvious reasons.  A survey (conducted by telephone of course) will show that these calls rarely influence anyone's vote, but that won't matter.

> Internationally, the outlook in Iraq is grim.  I was pessimistic about the aftermath before we even went in there, but all the experts said I was wrong.  Now that even some of the experts have admitted that the aftermath was not what they expected, I'm still being told that my gloomy outlook is wrong and even unsupportive of our troops.  However, I believe that the violence will continue, and Iraq will descend gradually into civil war.  Nevertheless, neither the press nor our government will call it a civil war until they have run out of euphemisms.  They will still try to change the facts by spinning them.

> In 2006, scores of celebrity couples will get together and break up.  These nonevents will get as much nightly news coverage as some of the natural disasters that will inevitably occur somewhere.  In most cases, I will never have heard of these so-called celebrity couples, since I have stopped watching the nightly news because it spends too much time covering celebrities of whom I've never heard.  Jennifer who?

> To counter the Intelligent Design movement, someone will advance a new theory called Ignorant Design.  It will present the hypothesis that, given the randomness of observable events, the universe was created by unevolved monkeys randomly operating a cosmic computer.  School boards in Kansas will immediately insist that Ignorant Design be adopted as part of the school curriculum.

> Several natural disasters will occur – floods, earthquakes, hurricanes, etc.  Don't ask me where; I don't want to be responsible for creating a panic.  After each one, prominent scientists will be questioned about whether global warming has anything to do it.  The unequivocal consensus of the scientists will be that it is a definite maybe.

> Some food that you (whoever you are) like to eat will be found to be extremely unhealthy.  Something you have shunned all your life because you thought it to be harmful will be found to reduce the risk of cancer or heart disease.  The findings will be based on experiments with a laboratory mouse named George and will be reported on the nightly news, right after the report on the latest celebrity coupling or uncoupling.

> Moviegoers in a cinemaplex will riot when the theaters keep running the preshow advertising over and over and forget to show the movie.  In 2007, a special public service Academy Award will go to the National Guard for quelling the riot and cleaning up the popcorn and candy wrappers.

> A massive pile-up on a California freeway will be found to have been caused by someone who was blowing his nose while driving and talking on a cell phone.  Consequently, a referendum banning nose-blowing while driving will be put to voters.  It will pass easily.  In a related story, voters in Los Angeles will resoundingly reject a proposal to ban use of cell phones while driving.

> In another development involving the world's most popular toy, scientists will experiment with the surgically implanted phone.  The new device will ensure the ultimate in the hands-free telephone experience, and a debate will ensue about whether phone companies can charge people for talking to themselves.  The phrase "ringing in my ears" will take on new meaning.

> Just in time for Christmas, Microsoft will release its new Windows operating system.  By New Year's it will also have released three service packs and a record 113 patches, each carrying a warning that failure to download the patch may result in security violations and possible pregnancy.

> In other computer-related news, a spammer will be discovered to have sent trillions of spam messages weekly.  The case will come to trial under the new TAS (Toothless Anti-Spam) Law, but the defense will argue that, since the accused is no different from other spammers in that he is seriously mentally retarded, he should not be prosecuted.  Faced with this irrefutable argument, the prosecution will drop all charges.  By year's end, the proportion of e-mail that is spam will peak at 98%.

> As prices drop, sales of large TV sets will skyrocket.  This will prove to be a boon to the construction industry, as people build additions on their homes to accommodate the larger sets.  Plasma sales will be anemic, however, as consumers learn that some plasma screens are prone to being burned with mysterious indelible images that resemble either Billy Graham or the Virgin Mary, depending upon the religion of the set's owner.  High-definition TV will also begin to take off, as broadcasters try to meet or beat the government-imposed deadline.  By year's end, 60% of television broadcasting will be in high-definition.  However, all of it will be commercials.

> A small group of English professors will earn their 15 minutes of fame because of their efforts to impeach President George W. Bush for high crimes and misdemeanors – against the English language.  The president, however, will squelch the effort by declaring, "I never did any mist meaners [sic], and I will fire anyone who does."  Speaking from an undisclosed location, Vice President Cheney will declare that it is time to invesitgate the Americanism of people who call themselves English professors.  The Kansas board of education will contribute to the defense of the president by suggesting a new definition of "English."

Readers will, of course, feel that some of these predictions are absurd.  However, if you feel that way, I urge you to review some of last year's news stories.  Would you have believed them if I had predicted them in January of 2005?