I am retired now, and I never got to be a manager while I was employed in the wonderful world of profit-making.  However, I could have been because I learned all the rules, by observation.  Here are some of them.

> Hold lots of meetings.  You want to give the lowliest laborers the illusion that they are participating in corporate decision-making, even if they are not.  Meetings also relieve stress by giving employees a break from work where they can doodle, do crossword puzzles, and take naps.  They also permit you to show that you think you know what you are doing.  Employees will, of course, stubbornly believe otherwise, but they will not contradict you publicly because you have "firing power."

> Matters about which employees care, such as what kind of candy to put in the candy machine, should not be discussed at meetings.  You'll never get a consensus.  For these issues, hire a consultant and go with what he or she says.  The consultant can fearlessly decide what to do because the consultant doesn't work there.  No matter what you do, everyone will complain about the candy in the candy machine anyway.

> When walking around the office, always carry a clipboard with a pad of paper and a writing implement of some kind.  Interrupting conversations by diddling with a laptop or taking phone calls on a cell phone is also impressive.  A manager's mission is not to be busy but to look busy.

> Never turn down a request, refuse a job, or reject a suggestion, no matter how ridiculous it is.  Always say "Yes" or "That's a good idea."  You are not expected to implement anything.  You're a manager, for crying out loud.  Your job is to tell people to do things (or to chew them out for what doesn't get done), not to actually do things yourself.

> Attend lots of management training sessions or workshops.  Although little work is done at workshops, they're a wonderful opportunity to get out of the office and away from the riff-raff.  Out-of-town meetings may allow you to eat and drink like a CEO, ar company expense.  You may also get many marvelous ideas about things that you can tell other people to do.

> Carefully review all memos and e-mails that you generate.  They must be ambiguous or confusing; for best results, ensure that they say nothing.  You don't want to leave a paper trail that has committed you to something.  To this end, master goobledygook.  Spend some company time online studying the gobbledygook generator [¬ link].  If you become really proficient, you can resign your management position and become a consultant.

> Remain current with the latest business jargon, use it freely, and learn to speak bafflegab [¬ link] – loosely defined as language that sounds impressive but says nothing.  Though jargon has a short shelf life and changes almost daily, some staples (such as synergy, actionable, and proactive) may be good for months.  (As a bonus, here's a link to a buzzword generator, sponsored by Dilbert.)

> If you're ambitious and aspire to ascend from management to executive status, develop the art of using the disingenuous platitude:  "People are important to us," "Work should be fun," "Service is our most important product," and so on.  (In fact, your most important product is lip service.)  Do not, however, give your superiors the impression that you really believe this stuff.  Convince them that you're a bottom-line kind of person.

Unfortunately, I did not learn these rules until I was nearly at the end of my working career.  I was thoroughly hoodwinked by the the gobbledygook, bafflegab, and disingenuous platitudes of my bosses.  I spent years doing work instead of cultivating the art of passing it on.  I retired with no golden parachute.  In fact, they threw me out and said, "Try flapping your arms."