RESOLUTIONS

Most people make resolutions at New Year's.  I make mine earlier because I hate putting things off to the last minute.  Besides, the sooner I make them, the sooner I can break them.  Here's what I've come up with so far.  I resolve to . . .

> Put the election behind me -- in a word, "Fuhgedaboutit."

> Stop having a fit every time one of my college students confuses its and it's or there and their.  (Pretend that they do this just to annoy me.)

> Invent some new curses to use on other drivers; the old ones are becoming stale.  So far the best one I've created is the Arabian Curse:  "May a thousand camels urinate on your SUV."

> Place on windshields of cars that take up more than one parking place a card reading, "Do you always park this way, you inconsiderate bastard?"

> Stand next to people who are talking on cell phones in public and pretend to be taking notes on their conversations.

> Carry a water pistol to squirt annoying brats in restaurants.  Carry a card to give their parents:  "Have you considered a vasectomy / having your tubes tied?" or "In China, they drown unwanted children."

> Next time I'm in a doctor's waiting room and the nurse finally calls on me, say, "I'll be with you as soon as I finish reading this magazine."

> If I'm left in the doctor's examining room for a long time, wander back to the waiting room in my paper gown (with my derriere showing) and mutter "It's freezing back there."

> Carry a can of paint to correct all the signs that say "Mens Room."

> Whenever I use the self-checkout at a store, go to the manager and ask for my paycheck as a store employee.

> Try to decide whether spammers should be killed, or tortured and then killed.  Do the same for telemarketers.

> Enclose with my tax return a request for an itemized account of how my money is being spent.

> Figure out a way to open a bubble-wrapped Hewlett-Packard inkjet cartridge multipack without cutting myself or look into how much I should sue HP for if opening one of those packages results in a trip to the emergency room.

> Track down the inventor of bubble-wrap and kill the s.o.b.

> Try to come up with a better prayer when I pray for my enemies; I'm told that "I pray they get what's coming to them" doesn't cut it.

> Learn a foreign language so that I can fit in among the other customers at Walmart.

> Gather the courage to go up to some bozo who is playing rap music in a parking lot and say, "What is that crap you're listening to?"  (Take a bodyguard with me.)

> Take up archery so that I can deal with those damned bluejays that keep stealing the peanuts I put out for the squirrels.

> Tell people who command me to "have a nice day" that I would have a better day if people would quit telling me to have a nice day.

> When people ask me "How are you?" launch into a monologue that really tells them how I am.

> Start wearing a button that says, "I'm old and cranky.  What's your excuse?"